After one year of sex, I want more!

Question:
Well after one year of being intimate I expressed this: Here is the exact text I sent him … “After 1year of this with you my emotions are involved AND I want AND deserve more! We have amazing chemistry AND I enjoy our time together, but it sucks when I only hear from you every couple of weeks ya know? I do care for you AND that’s why I need to tell you this cause it’s not cool … It hurts my feelings. We used to send texts AND have conversations, but now its just to get together AND I don’t like it … When you leave I feel cheap AND I blame myself cause I allowed it. When we first met, I told my sis I have a good feeling … We met for good reason AND I immediately felt comfortable with you. I’m not gonna lie … This hurts a lot cause if this isn’t going somewhere then I have to do what’s best for me.” He replied … “I’m so sorry I put you in this situation. I’m so sorry you feel this way … I just came out of a relationship and I’m not ready for a new one. Maybe it’s better if we went our separate way. Sorry” I replied with “Is that what you want? I guess you do … Good bye” After a couple days I realized I was pretty harsh, so I sent this … ” Hi … First off I want you to know I dont blame you for what I feel, I take responsibility for my choices in this. My intention w/ you was to open communication to see where we were after a year. I wasnt implying marriage but at least treated like a woman AND went out once in a while. To me it wasnt “F-buddy” status at all! I was just shocked w/ your “separate ways” reply cause it showed me that you saw me as disposable, that after 1yr I didnt matter other than sex. Is that how you saw me?” He called AND we talked! He said he doesnt know why he said that we should “separate”, he apologized. I asked where do we go from here AND he said we stop doing what we’ve been doing, we start all over. I asked how we do that AND he said we talk. So, what do you Y’all think … Done or maybe not???

 

Response:
Dear Friend with No Benefit,

My first thought, wow that was a long text. From a guy standpoint, if I received that I would be annoyed and ignore. My second thought (which piggybacks off the first) is why wasn’t a conversation of such importance conveyed in person? People get in relationships and are willing to try every physical fantasy under the sun, but aren’t willing to open their mouths and be honest with the person they’re with. If you can’t trust someone with your true thoughts, why bother being with them?

You asked if it was done, but did it ever start? In your response you asked him, “Is this what you want?” He blatantly told you what he wanted…and what he wanted wasn’t you otherwise he would have said so. You were convenient. Whether it was your attention, the physical nature of your relationship, or both…you were never permanent. His mind always saw you as a temporary thing as stated by his own words (when he says he was getting out of a relationship and wanted nothing more). Trust me, when guys say something, they know what they mean. Take it for face value.

The truth of the matter is sexual situations without defined roles always leads to trouble. You dedicated over 8,760 hours (1 year) in an undefined relationship where you didn’t understand your role. Men will always be happy with this type arrangement as they get what they want with minimal commitment. Women usually get the short end of the stick as they eventually want to be treated like they have more worth than an intimate session. The problem is women settle in hopes time will change his opinion and how he treats you. As if love will just evolve, a beacon of light will come out of the sky and he will get a revelation and see what’s in front of him. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. And just because a guy doesn’t verbally abuse you and treats you nice when he is around doesn’t mean he is healthy for you and is respecting you. It just means his game is different and most likely he treats all his dames the same way.

The truth is when you give up your worth without making demands for your life, you leave yourself open for pain and disappointment. I heard a comedian the other day say she took her mom to a soccer game to show her what boundaries were. Most of the time in relationships we are so smitten by attention and company that we don’t take time to set these boundaries and demands for what we want and how we want to be treated.

The truth is all he wanted was sex. His actions and words show you. Notice when you cut off conversation, he didn’t chase after you. When guys don’t pursue you, that means they aren’t interested. Unfortunately because guys come around for sex later, it confuses women and they convince themselves the guy wants more. His line regarding talking and starting over is a way for him to keep his sexual reserves open. Understand your role and what purpose you serve to him. It is merely for his satisfaction.

Learn from this experience. Going forward define your relationship. And as far as this guy goes, all he wants is sex. You can either keep going on this path and try to make him love you, thus forcing a situation which will lead to more heartache. Or you can be wise, respect yourself, let this unhealthy relationship go and continue on with your life.

The choice is yours…

Truth and Love

 

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