What are the rules for (married) FWB??


I entered into a FWB relationship with a guy almost an year back. We both are married. I have never done this before. I don’t know if there are any rules or not. Earlier this guy used to make time for me not just to see me but for coffee, lunch etc. He started his higher studies back in January and since then the time he has been giving me is very little. He always says that time is an issue for us- he does see me but mostly when he is free. He has started flirting with other women right in front of me- I try and ignore it because I don’t have any right on him. He told me he doesn’t have any feelings for me, we are just participating in something together. He makes me wait- has sometimes forgotten completely about calling me back, about lunches and coffee. He still wants to keep the relation cos of the free sex. He does call me back and ask me if I a I am okay or what is wrong when I sound pissed or am mad at him. I have told him so many times not to keep me waiting- what do I do with this guy? Am I doing or expecting anything wrong?



Dear FWB,

First let’s debunk that myth that, regardless of relationship status, people can have casual sex without any ties. Society tries to make this FWB (friends with benefits) thing look so appealing, but no one ever discusses the consequences (emotional and physical) of breaking spiritual laws. You can’t plant apple seeds and expect the tree to bring forth oranges, so why would you think that breaking a spiritual law would give you the relationship results you desire?

This is a situation that will end badly. You cannot sow destructive actions into another marital relationship (and your own marriage) and expect your new relationship/ affair to blossom into a positive, healthy, loving one. Right now, because of your own choices and actions, you are receiving out of life exactly what you have been sowing. You planted unfaithfulness, you are receiving unfaithfulness. His focus is only on you when he is bored and when it is not on what really matters to him. That will not change! The principle of sowing and reaping is a natural and spiritual law. You can refuse to believe or accept it. But whether you believe, acknowledge or accept it does not mean it’s not real and true.

Reading your question, I’m not exactly sure what type of advice/validation you’re seeking. As a faith-based blog, our advice is rooted in the Word of God. Understand that we are spiritual beings. The Bible clearly states that when you have sex, your spirits cleave (1 Corinthians 6:16). That means they mesh, or bond together. It also states that sex is reserved for a husband and wife. It was meant to be a covenant (solemn and binding relationship) between the two. Man leaves his father & mother, and becomes ONE (Genesis 2:24) with his wife. You have to really meditate on the importance of, probably the biggest human bond God blessed you with. Many women never have the pleasure of experiencing the love associated with marriage, and here you are with the opportunity and decide to dance with infidelity and waste your valuable time seeking attention from a man who could care less what happens to you. Further, for those women who are married you make them cringe as they have to worry about women in your situation who have let themselves get to the point where they don’t care if their actions ruin others relationships/families. I assure you no matter what label you put on it, it’s not a good look.

When you engage in sex with this guy, you are forming a spiritual tie with him. That is why your feelings get hurt when he flirts with others; even though you know the relationship is inappropriate. Him starting his higher education is irrelevant and is a way of you justifying his behavior and lack of interest in you. The truth is he flirts with other women because he doesn’t value you whatsoever. That is a nice way of saying you are a convenient piece of tail for him and are expendable. Even if you were both single, it is so obvious that he doesn’t care about you, your feelings, nor your well-being. So why would you want to put yourself in a situation with someone who could care less what happens to you? The spiritual tie you formed with him has clouded your judgment and prevented you from seeing clearly. You’ve gotten yourself in a situation only prayer and persistence can get you out of.

Sex for a female is an emotional activity that starts with her mind. It is a connective act, and once it occurs many women (whether they admit it or not) plan for a future of some sort with that guy. It may not be a future of marriage or kids, but a future nonetheless. You have an idea of how you thought it would turn out, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned your disappointed expectations. Let me assure you this guy you’re sleeping with does not feel the same towards you, as seen by his actions. The truth is he doesn’t have to respect you nor treat you fairly. Those are benefits his wife reaps. No matter how you dress it to emotionally cope, you are the OTHER woman and have no rights in this situation. Knowing this, why would you potentially throw your marriage away for him? The real question is, what is the void you have in the relationship with your husband that made you stray? And why didn’t you put the same energy that you use for coordinating tryst locations in salvaging your marriage?

You made mention of the rules. Well they are pretty simple. The rules are you stay with your husband, he stays with his wife. The rules are when he tries to get some of your cookies, you tell him to go home to the cookie he chose to spend his life with. The rules are you completely sever ties with this inappropriate relationship. The rules are when things get tough in your marriage, you don’t bail and seek the first opportunity to act out. The rules are you become a prayer warrior and stand up and fight for your marriage until something changes.

This situation you are in right now does not feel good to you emotionally, is not healthy, does not provide you with love & respect, and is not going in a positive direction for your life. You have to decide what it is you truly want and when you don’t see it manifesting, you have to do something different. You need spiritual guidance and possibly some practical counseling to build your way out of this deep hole you voluntarily jumped into. Like the old folks used to say, right now you need to PUSH…or pray until something (else) happens!

Truth and Love


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