My marriage is strained and cold!


Here goes its confusing but I will do my best. And its not simple, which is why even God seems to be avoiding my calls, or he’s too busy, maybe I’m just not asking correctly, or this is the answer.

For a few years my marriage has been strained and cold. I can only speculate what I think I understand the problems could be. normally I would be talking to people I don’t know at a bar but this is one of the contributing factor in this dilema. What I’d really like, is to be able to talk to my wife about my feelings or situation/ dilemas, however, that never really helps me feel any better because I end up looking like a weak person and have had to listen to the put downs and bite my tongue because of yet another contributing factor.

I have known my wife for about twenty years, married for about sixteen years with kids. afew years into my marriage while I was serving my country part time and working part time so that I could better our lives by completeing and recieveing a degree. We began experianceing some problems that I could not understant why? Then I became suspicious and began to question my wife which lead to the confessing of improper behavior between my wife and our neighbor, who just so happen to be the best man of our wedding.

Ok, now I wanted out but I was convinced that It was a mistake and would never happen again. We moved anyway. Then came the kid , and a very rewarding job, and a house. The feelings I first had when I did anything for her and placed her on a pedistol where going quicklly as the argueing and the put downs kept on. I snapped at the lack of respect I was receiving and I struck her and was arrested and lost the first year of my kids life, never to see or rememer that wonderfull time in a dads life. I had limited visitation and enjoyed every moment. I willfully helped support the family during this time. As the days went on my wife attempted to convince me back and I refused, but eventually for the chance to be a family again , I gave in. moved back and talked about another child and of course since I missed that experiance with the first. I agreed and then the complaining for a bigger home soon became the issue of the year. We managed to relocate to a bigger home and of course there is more. My wife was diagnosed with cancer at the same time work became slow and I was sent out of town for afew months. I have never been able to live that one down even though she had her mom and dad there to help out.

Now years later cancer is gone and life is to short for my wife and the pressure to have more, triggers another move. Communication now becomes the problem with our marriage and counseling getts another go around. Old feelings of hurt and deceit, anger, resentment and more that I can’t even explain resurface and I begin to drink this away at least for the moment.

I chose to drink as a way to take the edge off of all my relationship and work problem, and of course this soon became a problem and I attempted to comply by first drinking less to only drinking at home. Which still was not good enough. And that leads me to my current problem.

About 6 month ago I allowed the pressures get to me and needed to talk with someone a coworker and I hung out for abit after a meeting which was after work. Since I mostlly drink at home I only had four beers and two or thee glasses of ice water. I begin work very earlly so by this time I was tired and chose to excuse myself and call it night . To tired to drive I gabbed some food and parked in a quiet location, to eat and sleep, however I became cold and turned the heater on to warm up. Then I turned off the car and ate half of my food before closeing my eyes. I did try and call the Mrs. to tell her my situation but all I got was voice mail.

Then the nightmare begins I was woken up by a CHP oficer and the rest is impossible to exlpain but in a nutshell I was convicted of a wetreckless for haveing a blood alcohol content of .09 and have to complete a $600.00 dui training class for three months, pay $1200.00 in fines and fees, aproximatelly $4000.00 in legal attorny fees who I’m not so sure did everything possible for me but It’s my fault anyway. Oh there is also 18months of probation, one year lose of commercial drivers licsense, thirty day manditory suspension of any liscense, then five months of possible restricted lisense, or four straight suspended months. I also need to file with the dmv a sr-22 proof of insurance form with them for three years and two points that stay on my record for seven years, plus the conviction stays on record for ten years.

Now is the dificult task of figuring out what to do to tell my boss and lose my job, that I was arrested 6 months ago, convicted one month ago of a wet reckless for being sleep and parked in th company’s car. I know I will have to say something, I just don’t know what?

I have been sober for over six months and have completed all the classes and paid all penalties, and I am currentlly trying to make it three more months to apply for a resticted lisense, to have a in my possesion. Also I have attended AA meeting regularly for six months until now that I can’t drive for at least tirty days. I have tried to change so many thing about myself that is wrong with me but the forgiveness is not available from those that I need it most. Because I have no way to get to work for this three month time, I’m here in this lonelly and dumpy hotel room close to my job. I am faced with the hurt and pain that I have caused to those that are affected by my actions. I have nothing to help take the edge off of these feelings of guilt, self hatered, disappointment,sadness, confusion, loneliness, and more.
How can I fix this when all I have done to this point is not good enough?

P.S. sorry for the rambleing and the bad grammer, But I’m tired and emotionally done.

Thank You In Advance!




Dear Unforgiven,

If you feel that you are a weak person when you express your emotions, or your wife puts you down, then there is something you are not doing as your role as husband. You frequently state there is a lack of respect. Women lack respect when things in the household are not taken care of. You can pay all the utilities, provide a roof, provide clothing, and still not take care of your home. Taking care of your home goes beyond a financial covering. The reality is oftentimes we seek a quick solution to a problem we created with a series of bad choices over a long period of time. If you want to fix this, it will take just as long to correct all the wrong.

You state in your question “forgiveness is not available from those that I need it most.” The truth is until you learn how to forgive yourself, and stop making excuses for bad choices/bad behavior, you will never be able to move forward. Show your wife that you have changed not by words, but by following through on your promises and concrete actions. Provide a solution to the problems you’ve created.

The reply to your question may seem vague, but it is impossible to discern the things that happened between these catastrophic events in your life that lead to the plethora of feelings you are experiencing now. You must be honest with yourself not only about what you admitted here, but about the things you’ve done that nobody knows about. Those things you know that started the avalanche of events to come. Once you are honest, and forgive yourself, then possibly healing can take place. But only you can take charge of your life.

As I always state…you can sit there at the crossroads and complain all day about what route to go, but eventually you have to hold to your guns, man up, take a route, and see it through to completion.

Be encouraged and have faith that your actions can change your circumstance!


Truth in Love



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