My wife doesn’t want sex

For the past couple of years I have been very unhappy with the intimacy level with my wife. I have tried to communicate this with her and still no luck. I have even tried to prepare romantic settings and she says I am pushing the issue. I feel this will only get worse when we have kids, which is one of the reasons why I don’t want to have any right now. Resentment is now setting in and I don’t know what to do.

Justin Credible…


Dear Justin Credible,

Your situation is a common one in marriages. There is not a Marriage 101 manual which tells you about these little bumps in the road. Many people don’t think about how we grow as individuals over the years. Meaning, what we liked 5 years ago may not be what we like at the moment. This creates dissension at times as we attempt to do the same things (court, words, actions) that we did in the past, versus learning what the person wants/needs at this moment and the person they have grown to become.

The real challenge in marriages is creating an environment of open communication so that you grow together. Resentment is a very valid emotion to have in this situation, but oftentimes it just takes having the ability to develop thick skin for hearing the truth, and actually doing the steps it takes to restore and replenish your relationship. Until that is done, it is wise to not have or bring children into a marriage where at least one, if not both of you, is already dissatisfied. Children will not improve this situation, and may cause it to get worse. Before you allow resentment to drive you into a situation where you do something you may regret, let’s try to discern the source of your problem.

The sexual desires of many women naturally fluctuate over the years. The cause could be emotional, mental, spiritual, physical or hormonal. Some females (especially younger ones) cannot understand or articulate why they have no sexual desire. If that is the case with your wife, you may need to do some investigative work to determine the real cause behind her lack of desire. This article will attempt to address 6 common problems that deter women from sexual satisfaction which are: (1) medical issues, (2) psychological issues, (3) stress, (4) depression, (5) lack of emotional fulfillment and (6) lack of physical gratification.

1) Medical – There could be a medical reason, or a medication that she is taking, that is behind her lack of sexual desire or low libido. There are medications that can diminish a woman’s desire for sex. If this is the case, she should contact her primary care doctor or gynecologist to see if that is the cause and what solutions are available to her. If she finds out or expresses that there is no medical cause for her low libido, then you should examine the possible causes below.

2) Psychological – Does she have a history of physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse, or rape? Numerous females are unable or unwilling to openly discuss these issues that exist in their life and their past. Fear of judgment or abandonment because of what has happened to them is always looming over their head for many women and young girls. If your wife does have any emotional or physical scars as a result of these issues being a part of her history, she may need to seek help from a professional therapist, doctor or counselor to learn to cope with, manage, move beyond, and/or overcome what has happened to her.

Maybe abuse is not the issue, but her sexual history instead. Men have a difficult time adjusting to their wife’s past sexual history. As visual creatures, no man wants to picture his wife with anyone else, therefore many men allow their egos to erase her past like it never existed. We are not advising you to stay in the past and hang things over her head. What we are saying is provide an environment where she feels comfortable sharing these areas of life where she is hurt without a fear of you retaliating (e.g. cheating, being verbally abusive).

Healing from the past affects your future. When you learn your spouse’s history, you can understand why they react the way they do. By ignoring the past, sometimes men miss key opportunities to build a stronger bond with their wives by giving them room to express their pain, praying for them, and allowing previous spiritual and emotional bonds to be broken. The reality is most women in relationships have some sort of past, and this past is probably affecting your current relationship in some way. Emotional issues are frequently the catalyst behind a loss of sex drive in women.

If her sexual past is not an issue you feel that you can cope with, this may also be a topic she may need to discuss with a professional therapist or counselor. A doctor or mental health professional will be able to assess her physical well-being, emotional well-being, examine her past life experiences, her beliefs, and her current lifestyle to see what possible solutions exist to resolve this issue in her life and in your marriage. If this is something she desires to fix or seek help for.

3) Stress – Is she dealing with pressure and stress from her occupation or business? Are there financial shortages or burdens in her life that could be sucking the energy out of her and lowering her libido? Is she fatigued or exhausted on a regular basis? Are there any life circumstances or family problems that she is coping with that could be causing anxiety in her life? Is she too tired from the stress in her everyday life to care about sex?

4) Depression – Are there life goals that she has not or is unable to fulfill? Do you know what all or most of her life goals are? Is there anything that you can do to help her reach her dreams? Helping your wife to achieve her goals and dreams can revive her spirit and restore her joy in a way that you cannot imagine. Find out what she wants and search for ways to help her get it.

Some women have low libidos because of low self-confidence or a poor body image. Life sometimes can have a way of sucking all the feelings of being sexy and attractive out of a woman. She may be feeling less attractive physically as she increases in age and life experience. Even if you are physically attracted to her, it does not mean that she feels good about herself. This usually results in the husband feeling rejected even when that is not her intention. Finding ways to pamper her and compliment her when you can may help her to feel better about herself.

5) Lack of emotional fulfillment – Are there issues in your relationship that need to be resolved? Is there a possibility that there is either an emotional or physical disconnection between the two of you? There is a difference between her wanting to have sex less often than you do and not wanting to have it at all. If a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex is not upsetting or distressing to her, then there is some type of disconnect between the two of you or some issue she is coping with that she has been unwilling or unable to discuss with you. Females who are happy in their relationship (and everyday life) who have no medical or psychological issues are usually willing to be sexually available to their spouse, and can find some measure of pleasure from their sex life. If that is not the case, then there is some need or desire in her life physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually that is not being met. Until or unless you figure it out and find a solution for that thing, your sexual situation will not improve. Examine what improvements can be made in the other aspects of your life together, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually in order to improve the sexual aspect of your marriage.

6) Lack of physical gratification – The last possibility is a tough pill for the male ego to swallow. But just as men can find partners satisfying or not, women do as well. There could possibly be something about your sexual interaction with her that repulses (drives back or repels) or does not feel good to her. People do what feels good to them, sometimes even to the point of their own detriment and destruction. If sexual interaction with you felt good to her or she felt like it was improving her day or enhancing her life, provided there is no medical reason for her disinterest, then she would do it. Do you know her likes or dislikes? Or when or if she has (ever) experienced an orgasm? Is sex causing her physical pain? These are questions you must ask, have thick skin for, and prepare to receive the answer about, no matter what it is. Ultimately your goal is to repair your marriage and restore the intimacy. Be willing to re-learn her all over again if necessary, and don’t take offense when she is honest with you.

Possible Solutions – Now that we have dealt with the somewhat harsh reality, let’s look at some possible solutions that may help resolve the problem. There are healthy lifestyle changes you can make and techniques you can try that may aid her in being in the mood more often. Exercising together (or apart as your schedules allow), learning different stress management techniques such as prayer, meditation, and deep breathing, finding activities or hobbies that you both can enjoy to breathe new life and energy into your relationship, increasing your communication skills with one another, and seeking out marital counseling when and if necessary are just a few.

Figure out if there is a problem you are unaware of, or an issue you were unaware was still bothering her. Is there an issue in your relationship that needs resolved or something you have done to hurt her in any way that you need to sincerely apologize for and change? Has there been infidelity or a breach of trust that is causing her to have inhibitions or reservations about opening up physically and emotionally to you? If you don’t know the answer to this question, ask her. If you think you do know the answer to this question, ask her anyway. Make sure there is nothing that you are unaware of that is causing division in your marital relationship.

Look for ways to connect with her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually outside of the bedroom or your sex life. Take the focus off of asking her for sex, and take action to connect with her in others ways that may cause her to want to physically connect with you afterward. Make sure you are doing all you can to help her find ways to relax and enjoy her life. Set aside time each week to sow into her life and well-being. Rearrange your schedules if necessary. The more relaxed and the happier that she becomes, the more likely it is that she will be willing to have sex with you.

Examine your idea of romance verses hers. Not all women like chocolate or strawberries (some may be allergic). Music maybe romantic to some, to others it may be a nuisance and they prefer soft, ambient sounds or no noise at all. Maybe she doesn’t like your massages due to calluses on your hand. Or maybe it could be a cologne or new soap that turns her off.

Open dialogue about ways you can enhance or spice up your sex life that will be pleasing to her. Ask her what she likes, needs, prefers and desires in order for your marital sex life to be sexually gratifying or pleasing to her. Place pride aside and don’t just assume that you know what you are doing. Ask her. Don’t assume you know what she likes. Ask her. And be open and willing to hear her response without being sensitive and getting bent out of shape about it. Better to know and be able to please her, than to not know and her never desire to sexually unite with you.

Try to be encouraged. There are possible ways to resolve this issue. Just because her sex drive is low right now does not mean it will be that way permanently. This may just be a season in her life that she needs help, encouragement, and support to get through. Ask her specifically what she needs from you, and then regularly look for ways that you can be the help, source of love, and encouragement that she needs!

Best wishes and many blessings to you and your wife,

Truth In Love

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